Clearing your chakras with Ron Swanson and Jason Statham

Photo: Twitter

There’s a scene from Parks and Recreation, where Ron Swanson is camping and says this: “Fishing relaxes me, it’s like yoga, except I still get to kill something”. He makes a good point. That’s why I spend around 20 minutes every morning doing an exercise technique I call Boga. It’s basically Yoga for bogans (Aussie rednecks), hence Boga. I call it Boga because it involves violent films, instant coffee, and a singlet.

Now, I’m about to tell you how you can invite Boga into your life and bathe in its enriching tranquillity. 

Here’s a step-by-step guide to gritty transcendence.

Step 1: Select a violent film. Anything with Jason Statham in it will do, except for Gnomeo and Juliet.

Step 2: Put three heaped teaspoons of instant coffee in a mug, add boiling water, a splash of milk, and drink.

Step 3: Sit crossed-legged on the floor and picture somebody you dislike and think about how you plan to remove them from your life.

Step 4: Rise up and press play on the movie.

Step 5: Tell yourself that you’re fucking invincible, and nobody can fuck with you on this side or the other.

Step 6: Begin stretching. These can be any stretches you like doing but just make sure you stretch your whole body. After six minutes stop.

Step 7: Assume the push-up position, drop down halfway and hold for one minute. Rise and repeat five times.

Step 8: Plank for one minute on your front and one minute in a reverse plank/cowboy.

Step 9: Get up, shake yourself down and do three minutes of shadow boxing.

Step 10: Next, it’s 40 chin-ups (you’ll need a self-standing chin-up station, which you can purchase for around $200 online).

Step 11: Walk into your bathroom, look at yourself in a mirror, summon the spirit of Travis Bickle from Taxi Driver and talk to the person you dislike. Tell them everything. Really go to fucken town on them.

Step 12: Return to your place of exercise and do a three-minute stretching warm-down.

Step 13: Turn off the violent film, sit at the kitchen table, wearing a singlet and think deeply about your life, while you enjoy another instant coffee. For those of you who are not recovering alcoholics, a splash of whisky in your coffee never goes astray.

Even if you just do a Boga Sesh four times a week, you’ll notice a difference in your self-esteem and performance at work. All the poison in your soul will soon seep out of your life and you’ll finally rid yourself of all the toxic wankers you’ve let invade and tarnish your life for years.

In this new world, we all occupy now, it’s time to evolve.

Welcome to Boga Nation …